


Matchmaker, Unwanted

by Unreal_Kitty



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Brothers, F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Ragnarok, Siblings, Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 07:01:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13382622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unreal_Kitty/pseuds/Unreal_Kitty
Summary: Even after the End of All Things, little brothers remain little brothers.





	Matchmaker, Unwanted

**Author's Note:**

> This story ignores most of the post-credits scene in Thor Ragnarok in order to make way for some wishful humor. A what-could-have-been if our hero(s) received the break they so desperately needed. Instead, the "return" phase of their hero's journey was rudely interrupted by a certain purple fellow. What can a writer do but pen a ridiculous scene of annoying little brothers being annoying little brothers?

Thor bent over the pile of paperwork that Stark had so kindly delivered earlier that day. He thought his plan to resettle Asgard in Norway was perfectly reasonable, considering he'd helped save the planet a couple of times. But the tower of official documents, treaties, and legal protocol suggested the Midgardians felt otherwise. He groaned. When Loki had claimed he'd spent most of his short kingship dealing with meetings and bureaucracy, Thor thought it a jest. Now, he wasn't so sure.

At that moment, the former king in question slithered into the room.

"Thor!"

"Go away, Loki, I'm busy."

Loki eyed the legislative mountain. "Odin's beard! Pity the poor idiot forced to deal with _that_ —"

"Tell me what you want or go away."

"Why brother, I thought you'd be pleased to have me at your side once again. Your right hand...or should I say right eye?"

Thor ran his hand through his cropped hair. He heaved an exasperated sigh. "Tell me what you want or get out."

"Fine." Loki made to sit on the edge of the desk. He eyed a stack of paperwork and toppled it with a catlike gesture. "I've an important question for you, brother."

"Yes?"

One dark eyebrow cocked over an earnest green eye. "So, when are you going to call on her?"

Thor frowned. "I told you, Jane and I—"

"Not Jane! The Valkyrie!"

"Call on the Valkyrie? I'm not going to call on the Valkyrie."

Loki shot Thor a skeptical look. "Thor, come on. I was stuck on a ship with you for weeks, it's obvious. You could cut the sexual tension between the two of you with a knife!" He pulled out one of his daggers for emphasis. "You like her, she likes you, so what's the problem?" He waved the dagger between Thor and an imaginary Valkyrie as he spoke.

"I'm not interested."

"Not interested? She's smart, she's beautiful, she's _funny_ , and, oh yes," Loki continued, spinning the dagger around his long fingers, "she can kick your arse!"

Thor laughed. "Are those your sole criteria in a woman, Loki?"

Loki frowned. "Well, yes, for the most part. What else are you expecting?"

"She's a drunk."

"No one's perfect," Loki shrugged.

"She's a peasant."

"She's a _valkyrie_. And you're a pauper king without a square inch of land to your name." Loki spread his arms. "What's next, Thor? Lay it on me, I can keep this up all day."

Thor hesitated. Loki leaped on the pause with the zeal of a captain leading the cavalry through an opening in enemy ranks.

"Call her!" He punctuated each word with a dagger-thrust in the direction of Thor's pocket. Tony Stark had supplied cellphones to all of Asgard upon their arrival. (Heimdal had been quite amused as he examined his device.)

"What's the worst that could happen? We just lived through Ragnarok, for Norn's sake. Live a little!"

"No," Thor growled.

"Call her."

"No, I will not."

"Come on Thor, call her."

"I said no!"

Loki leaped from his perch on the desk. "Do it! Call her!"

Thor's chair wobbled dangerously as he rose to meet his brother. "No!"

"You know you want to. Call her!"

"No Loki, no! Not now, not ever." He raised his chin imperiously. "I, Thor Odinson, King of Asgard, Lord of the Nine Realms, shall never call on the Valkyrie. You heard me, brother? Never." He breathed heavily in the silence that ensued.

Loki deflated. He gave his brother a weary look. "Are you certain?"

"Yes, of course I'm certain. Now, not another word about it."

"As his majesty commands," said Loki, bowing in mock deference. He started to walk away, pulling a phone from thin air.

"What are you doing?" said Thor.

"Well, if you don't want to call on her, I don't see why I can't try my luck."

Thor snorted. "Good luck, brother." He settled back down to gaze at the chaos Loki had wreaked upon the desk.

"Hello, Valkyrie!" said an all-too familiar voice. Thor's head shot up. To his horror, he saw that Loki had vanished. In his brother's place stood Thor's own doppelgänger, leaning casually against the wall in an un-Thorlike posture. Thor frowned, feeling his pocket for his phone. His fingertips brushed fabric.

"Loki," Thor hissed. His brother ignored the urgent whisper.

"I was wondering if you'd be interested in accompanying me to dinner this evening." Thor climbed to his feet, haste making him clumsy. "Yes, just the two of us..." Loki dodged Thor's furious swipes, whipping around so his back blocked his brother's advances. "Well I thought.... I thought.... that would be lovely...yes, I'll bring the wine....just your —OOF!" He wheezed as Thor tackled him to the ground. "—just your lovely face. Yes perfect, bye now." He hung up. The phone vanished from his hand.

Thor's blue eyes seemed double their usual size. "Loki, that didn't even sound like me! I don't speak like that. _You_ speak like that."

"Yes, exactly." He smacked Thor's shoulder. "You're welcome."

"You...you...Loki, you little shit! You're the worst!"

Loki gasped with theatrical horror. "Yes, what heinous villainy! I got you a date with a pretty girl! You should..." his mock sincerity crumbled under the weight of the laughter he struggled to contain. "You should lock me up again," he managed to spit out before collapsing into wild cackles.

Thor seized his brother's collar. "What do I do?" he cried as he rattled Loki's shoulders.

"What do you do? You go on the bloody date."

"But I don't want to."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Fine, then I suppose you'll have to call her and cancel." The phone appeared once more in Loki's hand. He waggled it in front of Thor's face, grinning madly.

Thor eyed the phone, then waved it away. He hissed in frustration. "What do I do now?"

"Well, since we set dinner for 6:00pm and you're meeting her all the way in Norway, you're already late. So if I were you, I'd get going." He plucked a bottle of wine from nowhere and shoved it into Thor's hands. Thor hesitated, frowning.

"Where…," he started to ask.

"Don't give me that look. It's straight from Tony Stark's personal stores." His brow furrowed at the label." A decent enough vintage, I suppose, for mortals, though I'm sure it might as well be grape juice for all the strength it has. But it's not stolen goods, I'm sure Stark would be happy to provide for such an auspicious occasion."

"But what am I going to do? What am I even going to say to her?"

"Thor, look at me," Loki commanded, with more than a hint of Odin in his voice. He looked Thor in the eye. "Calm yourself." His tone then brightened, veering towards cheery impertinence. "When you see her, I'd start by asking her name." He patted Thor twice on the cheek with affection. "Good luck, brother." He shoved Thor out the door.

Halfway down the hall, Thor spun around. "How do I look?" he yelled across the distance.

"Terrible!" shouted Loki, beaming.

"Oh, go to Helhiem!"

"Love you too, brother!"


End file.
